sitting here musing. thinking. reminiscing. wanting to make things clear. to sit across from him and share a piece of my truth. to tell him how i feel, felt, what i wanted that never was and how that changed who i became, am becoming.

how do you tell a stranger that he struck a chord last month but hit a nerve last week? that how he made you feel there isn’t what you felt here? that you still appreciate his use of dystopian, the flowers, the unexpected amazon deliveries and you need, yes need him to know that what was said, while he couldn’t have known your truth, awakened a place you thought was long since dead. that you believed lies as truth, you adjusted and accepted your reality as all that could be, that he was the first after a litany of firsts to challenge, encourage, and disrupt your carefully curated life in a few short months.

yes, you met in march and accelerated in september and yes he knows…things, but does he know the main thing? your inner truth? can he handle the gem that is more precious than rubies or diamonds? do you want him to? what if you told him? would he panic? flee? or stay awhile and say, tell me more.

who is he anyway? what do you know about his truth? his light? the crown jewel he holds dear and not the one all men protect. is he willing to share that? to open himself up to the possibility of scrutiny, shame, cross-examination as a witness tried at home and in the public eye? is he ready to be exposed as he has asked of you more than twice?

is that what building looks like…requiring patience to allow the foundation to set before heaping upon it framing, beams, wires, plumbing. watching the concrete seep into every crack, sealing them tightly to prevent damage from the elements. covering it with plastic sheeting for protection. studying the blueprint while you wait, planning the next action: ensure lumber arrives so framing can begin.

is that what we do in relationships? excavate, removing all the excess, pour and wait for concrete to cure, establish a foundation, and let the dust settle? or do we pour concrete, start framing and wonder why the beams are buried 18” deeper than the plans dictate and why we have to rip it all out and start over, losing precious time and costing more than we have to spend?

will he be open to this? to re-pour the foundation and review the drawings together? assess if we both want the windows to face due north escaping the rising or setting sun? will three quarters of 365 and the turn of a new year allow for rebuilding, re-engineering what works for us despite our individual realities?

it is only the first of many firsts. the best i can say is, we’ll see. that’s what i say when i’m unsure of what’s next, when i don’t want to invest too much of myself into hoping for the best, when i wonder if things really do work out in the end. we’ll see.