back in the day sleep was my sweet escape. i would drop off into dream land where everything was settled. i had the right man, car, clothes, weight, job. and now, i almost dread going to sleep. climbing into an empty bed each night is one lonely feeling. I’m not sure if it’s lonelier to sleep next to someone who is not your own, sometimes, or to sleep alone all the time.
now i stay awake until late, 1 or 2 in the morning, trying to exhaust myself so that i don’t have to lie awake in this empty bed, alone. either that or i take a little blue, have a beer or a glass or two of wine. even that takes time to kick in.
i also used to journal, almost daily. not so much anymore. now i just talk to myself while i drive to or from work about the shit i deal with. it’s after 12. maybe i can drop off to sleep now.