letting go

Get yourself together. So you learned that your ex is married and his one year anniversary is next month. Who cares? This should be a freeing experience. You can stop daydreaming that he’s going to call or show up in your city and vow his love for you. It’s truly over. Shit, it’s been 4 years. FOUR YEARS. You’ve been holding on. You thought you let it go, were in fact damned sure you let it go and now, hearing that he married a woman from his own culture you realize that you still held out hope. Even if it was a 300 thread count of hope, you still had it.

Perhaps hearing this is timely. Didn’t pastor mike talk about kairos? God’s timing to work things out for you once you repent and align yourself with His will? Is this a kairos moment wherein you can truly purge every thought, idea, dream, wish, plan, longing for your past and step into your future? You were probably better off not knowing, but then again, you would’ve continued your private daydreams of him crawling back and you squashing him like the ant he is. Ok, so that was extreme. In truth your daydream is a little steamier than that. But in the end YOU are the married one, HE is the single one sad that he missed his opportunity.

Isn’t that how it always works out? The man moves on, marries or remarries as the case may be, and the woman (ex-wife or ex-girlfriend) is still, perpetually, single? Why does it work that way? Why don’t women move on as fast as men? Or is this not considered fast, but slow? FOUR YEARS. If it was four MONTHS that would be different but really Stace (talking to myself in 3rd person) it HAS been a long time. But you’ve pulled yourself off the market. Some kind of way you’ve made yourself unavailable. Maybe emotionally or otherwise but men do not see you as an option. Is that really it? (now, I’m answering myself and that’s a dangerous sign) A friend once told me that men can tell when a woman is available. That was 2 years after our relationship ended. Two more years have passed and without knowing it I’ve been holding out hope. Or maybe I did know it and tried to trick myself into thinking I was over him, us, well, the sex  really cuz that is the one thing that would draw me back.

So maybe it is a good thing that I now know that he’s married. So I can cut the soul ties and make room. I don’t have the space or energy to try and explain the rest of what I’ve felt over the past 5 weeks of having a roommate and how I’ve failed at communicating with my own sister. Uh oh. I feel the lump in my throat and the tears pricking the back of my eyes. Blink. Harder. Don’t start the water works because it’s not necessary.

God has a funny way of getting my attention. He has let me sit in the dark for years about this man. Has watched me silently pine away for a love (lust) lost. But He never sent a replacement. Instead, He sent my sister to “invade” my space and teach me the lessons of communication, sharing, patience, understanding, giving all without expectation of reciprocity.

Ok Lord. You’ve got my attention.

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