the truth is, i’m mad at myself. mad that i let myself waste 4 years. some months ago a different ex asked me why i’m single. he went on to list all my fabulous attributes, and trust me there are many, and wanted to know “what’s the deal? you keep yourself up, i know you look good, you handle your business so, what gives?” i came up with some pathetic answer and flirted with asking him the same question, only i don’t want to know his response. (what’s it say on facebook? “it’s complicated.”)
after my reaction today i realized that the truth then (and now) was that i was still in love. my heart belonged to someone else. for 4 fucking years. so yes, that makes me angry at myself. he should’ve gone on and i should’ve too, but i didn’t. why not? does the answer to why not even matter? will it help me release whatever i was holding on to? will it remove this weight, chip, monkey, albatross whatever is hanging over, around on me? is it easier than i think? and where is God in all this. He must know that I blame Him for this. yes i said it, i blame God that i fell for a man who moved on, i didn’t, maybe couldn’t and God didn’t send in a replacement. the second string. special teams. He left me to come to the realization that there is no second string. He only gives His best. if i choose to settle for less than that, my fault, not His. but don’t come expecting Him to send His best when i’m still pining away for 2nd, 3rd or even 4th “best.”
these lessons i am learning are not getting easier. it’s harder and harder to accept what is and what was. for me. perhaps other folks can accept, move on and pick up the next thing but i don’t have that skill. i want it though. badly. i want to be ready to “walk into my season” as the songwriter david lawrence said. i want to have the things i desire. the published novel. the husband. the happiness i catch glimpses of in other people but don’t seem to have myself.
i’m not unhappy, but the unspeakable joy that i sing about on sunday or read about in the book of psalms is elusive. some days i am excited, anticipatory, ready. other days i’m annoyed, impatient, distracted. not quite opposites but close enough. i’m not as even–tempered as some may think or as i want to believe.