someday is now

ok. so i’ve been absent. mia. gone. i’ve been in my feelings, procrastinating, complaining. i’ve also been talking, alot. about everything i should’ve been writing. the ass kicker arrived in a white cardboard box with transparent packing tape and chinese characters. inside that box were my business cards. the cards that match this site. the ones that announce to the motherfucking world that i am a SINGLE BLACK FEMALE. so sisters, i am back. i promise. this is as much a promise to you (those who are reading me and waiting for my ass to resurface as well as those who are like, who?) as it is to me.

today was a long ass day. well. monday was long. i opened my eyes a few times and just knew my skin was glued to the sheets. every fiber in my being said, just lie there. but my mind said, girl if you don’t get your ass up they gone come get this house. and so i rose, stiffly (a reminder to exercise or at least stretch daily) and prepared for another day with the senators. i woke up angry with them. with the liliputian for leaving me with pandora’s box, to LAO (law and order) who is not long for this role. i made it through day one but night one was rough; up throughout the night, tossing, turning. awoke still tired and arrived 10 minutes late to day one of annual planning. now y’all know it’s bad when one of 4 females and the SBF arrives late. but i slid in rocking pointy red patent flats that matched my semi-rimless miu miu frames with my retro matte liquid lip color from MAC – feels so grand. and that was the entrance i made, all late. and i sat next to the speaker of the house.

although i was at the table, i was unable to speak to engage the discussion. i looked around the room at the “leaders” and thought, you don’t know much more than i. we’re all guessing at this. in fact, you all are repeating what i’ve heard for the past 24 months. the same issues that have solutions but you’re renaming and re-presenting them as new. the senators have decades of experience among them, yet the same issues persist. and no one thinks, maybe we need a replacement strategy. if i didn’t need a place to lay my head or hand scraped hardwoods to glide across, i would’ve stood on the desk like lucy liu in kill bill and announced, “how many times have i heard this tired message?” a few times words crawled up my throat and i swallowed them. it wasn’t worth it to join the fray. another voice on the senate floor asking the speaker for time at the mic when we all know nothing i saw will make a difference. so i ate their tired ass catered chicken strips with steamed sprigs of broccoli and cauliflower and when the big hand was on the 9 and the little hand on the 2, i collected my things and slipped away, just as i arrived.

nothing about this life aligns with my gifts, talents, strengths, or goals. i am doing what i must until i can do what i desire. so now that i’m back, rest assured i’ll be advising each of you to do the same.  i leave you with these words from john 9:4: “work while it is day, for night is coming, when no man can work.”

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