help wanted

Job postings should read:

Who we are
We are a diverse group of professionals providing mission critical services to multi-national companies around the globe. We believe in giving back and paying it forward. Our senior leadership team is comprised of talented individuals with extensive experience in creating wealth for themselves as well for the corporation. If you want to be a part of a growing movement, we’d love for you to join us!

Qualifications:

  1. Must be willing to kiss ass daily, regardless of ass size, shape, or gender.
  2. Must have experience in social-political networking, a la Survivor. The ability to form clandestine alliances and the willingness to turn on said alliance is critical to successful performance and a requirement for promotion.
  3. Knowledge of social systems and how to navigate past “the others,” those who stand on the rungs beneath you, is an important skill.
  4. Willingness to step on or around others who express an interest is career growth or who indicate they would like to join your team or learn your job is a must.
  5. Cattiness and an overall disdain for your gender if they are taller, thinner, make more money, drive a nicer car, or live in a better neighborhood than you.
  6. Must possess the ability to negotiate for a position that is at least two grade levels above current and when denied, raise hell with HR until that positon or another like is it created for your underwhelming skill set.
  7. If the position is in finance, you must be male, ideally white, and wear khaki pants and blue oxford shirts with simple loafers. You must engage in locker room banter around one of your fellow colleague’s cubicles and laugh loudly at nothing funny.
  8. If the positon is in marketing, you must be female, preferably white, blonde, and able to wear apparel from Zara, J Crew, and Madewell. You must blend in with your peers such that it is nearly impossible to tell you apart.
  9. If the position is in shared services, billing, accounts payable, accounts receivable or credit and collections, the opportunities for entry-level roles for highly skilled people of color abound. This is where you should apply if you want to work in this company as this is the best way to get your foot (slammed) in the door and an chance to prove yourself.
  10. Identify only with staffers who look like you, speak in sports analogies, or who have demonstrated qualification number 1.

Applicants that possess the following “nice to haves” will be given greater consideration.

  • Whiteness
  • Pettiness and passive aggressiveness are welcome traits but not a deciding factor of proficiency provided you possess at least 70% of the skills listed above.
  • Names that can be pronounced phonetically.

References:

  • Not required if your alma mater is notable, you were a referral from a respected (white) employee, or you meet qualification #9.

Note: This is an Equal Opportunity Employer that complies with all federal and state laws concerning fair employment standards.

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