musings from last summer

i drove to work the other morning asking myself, what is my why. why do i rise early, work late and pay a mortgage to live in an apartment? why are my clothes and shoes spilling out of my closet and still i’m trolling michael kors, rachel roy, and vince camuto in search of a new handbag, sundress, and strappy sandals? filling up shopping carts, clicking “continue shopping” and checking out hundreds lighter?

on a recent spa getaway i bought a sterling silver ring with two peridot stones, treated myself to steak and seafood dinners, and stumbled upon an anonymous benefactor who bought my steak dinner. i have never wanted to believe that i am filling a void, that i even feel a void but i own my truth. fact is, i lavish myself with spa weekends, jewelry, shoes, and fancy dinners because no one else is doing it. if i sat around waiting for a partner to shower me with compliments, gifts, and trips, i’d be grey, wrinkled, and broke down. so i do for myself.i decided long ago not to wait for love, choosing instead to take myself on vacation, out to dinner, and give myself gifts, rings, and watches.

when i see other SBFs settle for whoever comes their way, i understand they are tired of waiting for “the one.” doing for self is played out as is cooking dinner for one, buying a single movie ticket, and wrestling with leaking faucets and blown head gaskets. i share the same sentiments, but at this stage of my life, settling simply isn’t an option. i’ve accepted less when i deserved more and it took me some time to accept my own truth and redefine my value as a woman, single or not.

a friend once said to me, he’s just a spare tire until you replace him with a permanent one.  she was right.  for all i know that’s true of “mr. right for me.” he may be passing time with “miss right now,” and if that’s the case, their awakening is coming.

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