Rob Porter. David Sorensen. Al Franken. Harvey Weinstein. John Hockenberry. Matt Lauer. Roy Moore. Bill Cosby. these men comprise a hall of fame list of abusers, adulterers, and misogynists and every single one of them are married, some more than once. the details of their indiscretions have been bandied about in the news, debated on social media, and more join their ranks each week. as i scroll through the reports of “sexual misconduct,” i want to ask their wives, why did you say yes?

Porter’s wife said she was called a “fucking bitch” on their honeymoon. Hockenberry had a reputation of verbal abuse toward female staffers and was reportedly accused of grabbing them and kissing them. Cosby was accused of drugging women and having sex with them. WTF? i’m befuddled. what redemptive qualities do any of these men possess? were they tall, dark, and handsome? (i’ll let you all look at photos and answer that one) were they charmers? did they have some line that caused these women’s brains to melt? in no way i am suggesting that any wife deserved to be mistreated or abused by their husbands, what is unclear is what is was about them that caused ANY woman to say yes? men show us their best upon first, second, and even 10th dates, but the truth is always revealed. consider how he treats his mother, father, waitstaff at restaurants, gate agents at airports.

i’ll never forget a time when my car broke down next door to my boyfriend’s apartment. when my dad arrived, my boyfriend was not in the car waiting with me, he was snuggled under the covers 500 yards away in his crappy apartment. my dad was outdone and dude lost all hope of ever joining our family. he was often broke and borrowing money from me or driving my car. very early signs about what a future would hold. why would i say yes? he didn’t ask and i would’ve said no.

pay attention to what men do as well as what they say. if you cannot trust their actions their words will be suspect as well. this applies in dating, leadership at work, and friendship. this is not a treatise on being mistrustful of men, this is a wake-up call for us to stop dismissing the signs we see and trust our judgment. i would dare say the women whose lives are now front page news probably wish they had.