doom and gloom

i’ve been trying to plan an european vacation with one of my best girlfriends.  we talked about this LAST YEAR and were going to visit another friend in Spain.  but things didn’t pan out so we postponed.  then this year we said, we’re going to rome!  but there was one delay after another.  finally i said, ok lord, if you don’t want me to take this trip please make it crystal clear.  today she calls me and says, my mom is coming to visit.  after 9 months of asking her mother to visit she finally called and announced her plans to vacation in the NW in two weeks.

with each delay i kept thinking, maybe she doesn’t want to go but won’t tell me.  then i thought, that’s not her style.  then i thought, is this foreboding?  is something sinister lying in wait?  maybe it’s because i’m going to charge this trip and be deeper than $3K in debt by the time it’s over. maybe my renter is going to skip out and God knows i will ned the money.  i haven’t had my physical this year…maybe it will be bad news and i need to be here to get the dr’s call.  all these thoughts racing through my head, but no answers.

all around me coworkers and family are taking trips.  aruba. scotland. london. minnesota.  and here i sit.  desperately wanting a real vacation, 10 days in paradise – anywhere but here.  it just sucks to feel like there is force that you cannot see but that is preventing you from doing what you desire.  but you know you must acquiesce to its power or suffer the consequence of disobedience.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

how can this be my mantra if i question his providence and fear that this roadblock is a harbinger of misfortune? when things don’t work according to my plan, why is it easier to believe something negative awaits me rather than something positive?   is it a question of faith?

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